Harry Potter and the Professors from Arkham
by JaiAlaiJedi
Summary: After several unfortunate accidents so close to the new year, Albus Dumbledore must look across the sea toward Gotham to fill in last minute replacements in his staff. Will he stick to his 'Greater Good' philosophy and bring them to the Light? Or will Arkham's insanity spread throughout Hogwarts? Harry Potter and the rest of the first years must live through lethal teaching methods


Harry Potter/Batman Crossover

Chapter One

In hindsight, perhaps some Ogden's Old Firewhiskey mixed with Lemon Drops laced with Calming Draught was probably not the best idea.

At least, that is currently going through the head of one Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Currently the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a school that was highly mentioned as the most prestigious wizarding school in all the British Isles.

At least, it was up until the month of June in the year of 1991. You, dear reader, are currently asking yourself: "Why? Why isn't Hogwarts the best of the best, with teachers and employees the best at what they do?"

Simple enough to answer: Some died, some are now permanently at St. Mungo's, and one is a ghost that teaches history and only talks about goblin rebellions.

Don't ask why the ghost is still there. We tried calling ghostbusters.

Anyway, the reason dear old Dumbledore is currently regretting mixing two positives in his life was because of the massive negative that came with it. We see him in his bathroom that leads from his office spouting fire into the toilet, nearly burning off his beard.

"Why the bloody hell did I- right, stupid question." he mutters in a drunken stupor.

After taking a nap near the toilet in his puke and ash covered robes, Dumbledore returns to his desk and picks up the letter that had led him to his current state.

Dear Albus Dumbledore,

We regret to inform you of the unfortunate events that have transpired to some of your hired staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Upon the morning of June Twelfth; A tragic accident caused by the Knight Bus caused the deaths of Professors Septima Vector, Bathsheda Babbling, and Pomona Sprout along with the driver and a dozen muggles. Minerva McGonagall, and Aurora Sinistra have been put in an unresponsive coma after their placement in St. Mungos. We also regret to inform you that a faulty Floo line has resulted in the deaths of Filius Flitwick and Silvanus Kettleburn. Sybill Trelawney been placed in the magical fire treatment ward in St Mungos, but was immediately placed into the long term mind healing ward due to her insane ramblings. One final bit of bad news is that Charity Burbage has died in a house fire. We apologize for handing you these news and offer our condolences.

Sincerely,

The Staff of the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes

P.S We hope that Hogwarts isn't closed this year because of this.

"They just had to rub that in, didn't they?" Dumbledore muttered at that last part. Unfortunately, having the school shut down the this next year may be unavoidable unless he pulled something out of the hat; so to speak. He looked at the Sorting Hat for a moment before shaking his head. As if the Hat had a list of potential employees.

"...and Alastair Moody could be for the Defense of the Dark arts." the Hat thought. "Now if only Albus was smart to ask me if I had an opinion."

Dumbledore read the letter again before dropping it on his desk with a weary sigh. This was bad news indeed. Not an hour earlier before receiving this letter, there was accident that caused Severus Snape and Poppy Pomfrey to stay at the Long Term Care Division at St. Mongos on account of Peeves exploding some rather volatile potions in the dungeons. And Merlin only knows what happened to Rubeus Hagrid on his mission with the Giants. He was supposed to hear back from him two days ago.

* * *

Meanwhile, in some mountain range

"ShitshitshitshitshitSHIT!" a voice rang out as a figure ran amongst some trees.

Rubeus Hagrid looked behind him to see some trees crash and tumble as several female giants chased our favorite Groundskeeper.

"How inna hell 'd I forget 'bout matin' season!" he yelled.

"SNU SNU!" The giantess cried out behind him as they chased him relentlessly.

* * *

Back to our worrying Headmaster

We see him go through his papers at his desk, reading them but not really registering the words. He picks up a letter from one of remaining staff.

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

I regret to inform you that if you are currently reading this, then I am probably dead. Some strange, yet dark wraith has been on my tail for the past two days and I can barely hold it off as it is. I don't know what it is exactly, but I can only conclude that it is Dark and has possible similarities to a Dementor….if it isn't able to possess other sentient beings. Therefore, I will be unable to teach the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Good luck filling in the position.

Sincerely,

Quirinus Quirrell

Dumble banged his head against his desk. After a few seconds, he does so again. And again. he reach for the whiskey bottle to find it emptied. Briefly considering the pros and cons of hitting himself over the head with it, he sets it down. Then chucked it at the fireplace so there wouldn't be any temptation. Albus looked at his desk again and picked up a letter containing a brochure sent from the the US in his duties in the International Confederacy of Wizards. He smiled when he read the letter and gathered some parchment and ink to prepare a reply. He set down the brochure and it read: Arkham Institute of Professional Teaching. Come ask about our graduates looking for work!

* * *

 **Hello! This is my first story I'm posting, currently working on the second chapter of this. Comments and reviews are welcome. You guys have a good day.  
**


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